Thursday, September 22, 2016

Pathetic

I am so frustrated.

You can't just wave a magic wand and *POOF* abracadabra! You magically have friends and collaborators that share your passion and interests.

Fortunately we live in a world with the internet, the great equalizer. It allows me to communicate (or attempt to) with others who share my same interest: Czech genealogy.

I obviously have more than one interest. And I'm not a stupid person. I take care of myself and my family. It's just... It's so freaking lonely sometimes. I hang out with my mom friends and really have to make an effort to be present, to care about the conversation; my brain is wandering to my genealogy problems and questions.

There are millions of questions. I have so few answers. What's thrilling and exciting beyond description is to have begun to find some answers. It's just so frustrating that I'm crippled by so many stupid pathetic obstacles: the Czech language, the German language, how the demographic of people who share my sub-niche interest is not often an extremely tech savvy bunch, how the vast majority of my Czech genealogy colleagues are male, making it super annoying and awkward when I'm trying to read a book describing Czech birth control folklore...yeah no, I can't handle translating euphemisms for coitus interruptus with a guy. It's too awkward for me. So instead I get to spend 20 minutes plugging in various options to my translator, feeling like a pervert because I really, really, really want to understand this part of my ancestors' lives. Finally I get it and it's so dumb it makes me roll my eyes: "go to church but don't stay for mass." Or "till but don't plant." Ugh. Danny says, "even that one would be understood in English." Yeah except when the words are archaic, it just causes me to want to tear out my hair and scream with frustration. I just want to "get it." Why does reading Czech (modern Czech! 18th century land record Czech! Abbreviations in Czech archive descriptions!) have to be so difficult?! Whine whine whine.

My fourth great grandmother Veronika Schablatura's parents were married in 1779. They didn't have a baby baptized until 1783. That's super weird. What happened? There should have been at least one child born in that time, more likely two. And if it was me, it would have been 3 (our first three kids are 14 months apart each). So yeah, understanding birth control in the late 18th century is definitely super relevant. If she had a baby that died before they could be baptized, would there be any record anywhere of that child? Can we assume infertility? Or ::shudder:: infanticide or abortion? This options seem unlikely. What is the deal?

What I truly want is a group of people who care about these questions. I found one person. There MUST exist others. You can't just magically create relationships. They have to be cultivated. But I don't WANT to cultivate, I want to learn. Again, whine whine

I think I'll just have to dedicate an amount of time to blogstalking. Commenting and following bloggers. Hopefully I will find some female Czech soul out there with whom I can translate sensitive blushworthy material that contains answers to my questions. It's lame and pathetic and humiliating that my brain is such a blank freaking slate, that cultural knowledge that is just intuitive to a native Czech literally has to be written out twice for me: once in Czech, once again in English. Three times if you count google translatese, which is its own beast to slay.

I just feel really grouchy about putting so much effort into trying to collaborate, and finding myself unsuccessful at the cultivating relationships part. I'm totally an extrovert, I totally just want to interact with humans. Hence the blog.

Ugh. What a negative post. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better.

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